Wednesday, September 23, 2009

10-for what it's worth (contd) part X

Well, there's not much left to say i guess. In only about another week and a half, it'll all be gone.

What a lousy waste

Please be really careful.. don't let things get like this for you.. that's why i put these up.. i know there won't be anything good for me anymore, but maybe something from my crap will help someone else.. sorry it couldn't have been worded better or been more complete.. it's just been too long, i'm worn out and have nothing left anymore.. sorry..

Saturday, September 12, 2009

9 - For What It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part IX

Just a heads up, it's a kicking myself kinda day... and yes, still kicking those docs for failure to treat too..

I'm almost done with the posting I think.  It's only a couple of weeks until I have to vacate.  Still can't maintain the car.  The pain issues are still very intense, still can't even take a walk around the block so forget about getting everything into storage.  Even that yet undiagnosed mass continues to ache, wish I had good docs to get the biopsy for that and the cysts.  Still have no help.  I had another storage unit in another state, and would have easily sold those belongings, except my birth certificate and other legal documents are still there and I don't know anyone to go through and pull that stuff out for me, and can't get there to do it myself - but then, I used to foolishly think things would get better soon, and I could go back and resume life.  Aren't I an idiot? 

So this time, when I vacate, I will need to abandon everything - even the car, even my identity in those boxes.  Tried selling what I could, but the online pay service froze my account without reason for 6 months - and yes, I mean seriously they had NO good reason.  Apparently there are a LOT of similar complaints against them. 

Yes, I know these are strong words to say, but I hate those doctors so much.  I hate them for not taking care of me when I trusted them with my health, hate them for making me worse and ruining me.  I hate them for not listening to me about serious complaints.  And I hate the lawyers for blowing me off for cases that really hurt me deeply.  But worse, I hate myself for trusting them and believing that they would help me, hate myself for thinking I could make things better in spite of them, hate myself for not getting it the first thousand times of failing with every effort to get my life back that it wasn't going to happen and like an a$$ to keep trying anyway, and really really hate myself for not giving away my cat when she got sick to someone who could better afford her expensive cancer treatments - That was a stupid and horrible thing to do.

Maybe it's all for the best.  I mean, it was easy to develop reasonably good business skills, but being unable to sit or stand for periods of time because of serious pain means no more work, and still can't find any "real" work from home.  My social skills have become more and more non-existent it seems, and if so, it's from all this isolation.  When you can't even pay rent, you stop going out.  And I'm not kidding when I say I really stopped going out 9 years ago when this started just to conserve money (if only our gov't could budget like that, huh?).  Big sacrifice, lost the friends I had left, but had to be done.

So in a few weeks, I'll be vacated, no where to go, no transportation, no friends, no more pet, my identity will be sold with the other stuff in storage, and I have nothing useful to offer anymore.  With so many years of hearing "can't do this", "can't do that", I am SO incredibly tired of "CAN'T" and never hearing "can" anymore, there's no point to all this suffering..

Every morning, I wake up so incredibly overwhelmed with pain, and so overwhelmed with the thoughts of all the things I "CAN'T" do, it hits hard in a huge painful rush, and not one single thought of what i can do.  It is so overwhelming it physically hurts, and my hands just ball up and clench from the stress, the heart is already palpitating bad and many times there are sharp pains with it - this is how I wake up every morning if I had any sleep at all, and if so it was full of nightmares everytime.. it's not worth it anymore..

It's not life anymore.. it's not surviving.. it's just pain and suffering...

I'm just too tired of it anymore.. What did i do that was so wrong?

Monday, September 7, 2009

8 For What It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part VIII

I'm gonna say this once more: I really really miss my old life.  It wasn't bad.  After years of hard work, I had another good job, running an office at a major company.  The apartment wasn't bad either, overlooking a golf course, even had a fireplace.  Never worried about paying bills, that was always done on time if not early.  Never worried about being able to maintain the car, was in fact even saving for a brand new one.  Decent bed to sleep in.  Real food to eat.  Cared for my pets.  Even went out from time to time.  A real life, and still I could manage to put a couple of dollars in the bank too.

 So how did I go from fiercely independent to being the most useless person in the world?

Yep, I already told you.  So why does this question come up now?  You guess it; not that I can or do get to really go anywhere anymore, but after almost 2 weeks of being completely stranded with no transportation, sitting in a stupid bug infested box called a studio, no real food, pains too bad to even take a walk down the block, additionally doubled over morning and night from stress, unable to get to physical therapy, or to get funds so I can pay rent, or get those harmful but now necessary pain medications, and still failing all attempts to find any gainful employment, I am completely over the edge.

What makes it worse is having taken a couple of home office tests in my further attempts to increase chances of home-based employment.  Yes, I passed, but the scores should have really been higher and they should have been completed significantly faster.  That's what I hate most about the inability to work properly - the absolute uselessness, and the fading of whatever talents I may have had (yep, that means I'm just wasting away and getting dumb).

And how did I get here?  One simple, stupid little injury 9 years ago.  That's all it took to ruin my life.  One stinkin, stupid, crappy, seemingly insignificant little injury followed by really stupid, uncaring, quackified, crappy medical "care" over and over and over.

That's all it took.

This isn't life.  It's not even survival anymore.  It's just really painful suffering.  And it isn't worth it.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

7 For Whatever It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part VII

Thank you to anyone who has actually read all of this.  Hopefully there has been some information to help others avoid similar pitfalls.  Wish it could have been better written and full of a great deal more.

Today I am now being understandably pressured to leave my dwelling as well.  There is nowhere to go, and no way to get anywhere.  It hurts when I eat.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to sit.  It hurts to stand.  Even breathing is uncomfortable.  And there is no one left to turn to, hasn't been for a very long time.  I have fought hard for 9 years to get my life back and failed.  My pains are only getting worse.  The palpitations today are accompanied by more chest pains.  There is no desire to keep this up - it is not living, it is not surviving anymore; it is only suffering.

If you listen to "health care providers", as  my doctor's keep telling me, I'm "young and nothing appears to be broken in the x-rays, so there must not be any "real" problems".   Ok, sure.  Whatever.

I just wish they would have listened to me at some point over the last 9 years.  So much needless suffering could have been prevented, and a life could have been made whole.  And this all started from just tendon problems not being addressed properly; Now THAT is sad.

If there is any interest by persons experienced with interviewing, recording and using that information to improve society in general, send an inquiry to the contact listed in the profile.  That might be the best format to help me better organize ALL of the information and make it available while possible in the hopes others can avoid my pitfalls. 

If there is any interest, it is really strongly suggested you send your inquiry ASAP.

Life before this wasn't too bad.  I fought and survived much.  It wasn't perfect, but it was something to be proud of.  Once upon a time, I had a real life and actually mattered.

Anyway, thank you Jessica for following the posts.  Hopefully you've found something that could benefit yourself or someone you know. 
I've no idea what tomorrow will bring anymore, so Please take care.

Friday, August 28, 2009

6 For Whatever It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part VI

There's not a whole lot today to offer today.  If you would like a couple of pointers to avoid ending up like me, see yesterday's post.

There are some who say I just like feeling sorry for myself.  To that, I will respond with the following that NOBODY should have to endure this kind of junk.  I am not going to start with "you try this", but instead will advise to do everything you can to avoid this.

- 9 years of pain. 
- Inability to even walk properly.
- Completely alone, no support whatsoever - no kidding, no exaggeration.
- Undiagnosed mass that causes some pain, and Undiagnosed cysts.
- More painful issues developing all the time.
- Not a single good night's sleep for Years.
- Doctor's that won't listen, just making this worse.
- Increasingly worse palpitations (now seem to be coming from a possibly 2nd defective valve too) .
- People that don't care.*
- "Leaders" that don't care.**
- Every attempt to improve pain and quality of life, fails.
- Every attempt to find gainful employment within new limitations, fails (including attempts at self-employment fail).
- Being robbed with no recourse.
- Being hurt with no recourse.
- Incredibly unbearable increases of "internal pain".
- Loss of ability to do anything enjoyable, even a walk in the park.
- Loss of companionship, including pets.
- Loss of happiness, even contentment.
- Loss of transportation, housing, food (happening now).
- Loss of dignity.
- Loss of usefulness.
- Loss of identity.
- Loss of will.
(I know a number of things are missing; they will be edited in later as they come to mind)

*A short comment about the support, I'll just say relatives were really not good people, and when you stop going out to save every penny you can, "friends" will leave, particularly when things are so negative for so long.

**A short comment about "Leaders that don't care"; I had even tried going as high as a Senator's office to find out if there was anything else that might be available to assist my efforts, and because of moving in past years was told "maybe you should go back to where you came from".  I'm not kidding.

I'm going to add a quote from a previous post:

"I really, really miss my old life.  It wasn't bad.  I had a good job, running an office at a major company.  The apartment wasn't bad either, overlooking a golf course, even had a fireplace.  Never worried about paying bills, that was always done on time if not early.  Never worried about being able to maintain the car, was in fact even saving for a brand new one.  Decent bed to sleep in.  Real food to eat.  Cared for my pets.  Even went out from time to time.  A real life, and still I could manage to put a couple of dollars in the bank too.

But I didn't have a medical degree... And I thought doctors were supposed to heal people, not make them worse."

There is also one event from today to add, simply because this wouldn't be happening if the doctor's had healed me as they were supposed to, and I'd be working and self-sufficient if they had - and happy, or at least content.  On top of everything else, on my way back today, the steering on the car went.  Of course, the brakes are already gone; I've been using the hand brake for stopping.  The engine is giving out too, in addition to other things.  It's not like I can even afford gas anymore anyway, but it seems pretty irrelevant now, I think I'm just done anymore.

It hasn't been mentioned yet, but I haven't even touched on the things endured and survived before all this junk started 9 years ago.  The thought was there to write a book someday with the hopes of inspiring others not to give up.  The only thing that held me back was I hadn't quite reached the "happy ending", that level of fullness worth aspiring to.  Things were pretty good, but I wanted to improve on somethings first.

But as has been happening more and more often lately, it really hit me hard today when the steering went, and when the pain issues became overwhelming again (or rather again/still) the simple reality of things - there's not going to be a happy ending.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

5 For Whatever It's Worth - Cont'd - Part V

Note: It occurs to me to start each related post by saying that before all this started, I was reasonably active and clearly never knew the meaning of the words "can't" or "don't".   I really, really, really miss my old life. 

Avoid some of my problems - A Few Free Tips

I'm posting information on some things found to be true about self-care, though for me much of it was too little, too late; the lessons were learned after the damage was done.  If you take only one thing from this, Don't let the needlessly bad stuff happen to you.

I'll probably edit this later to add more stuff.

If you have some mild sensitivity, it might be possible to avoid getting drilled by changing your brushing habits, and I don't mean buy special toothpaste.  If toothpaste is left on the teeth for too long, it can actually cause some sensitivity, so try taking less time to brush.  I have found it effective when sensitivity starts to limit brushing time to 45 seconds to 1 minute only, though being quick and very thorough.  Rinse Very Well.  In about 3 days, the sensitivity is gone. 

Wish I knew that years ago before so many possibly unnecessary drilling, root canals, and pulls.  I remember one dentist wasn't sure where my sensitivity was coming from, so he did a root canal on one tooth, I still had the problem, then did the one next to it, then says "ah, smell that?  There was the problem!"  C'mon, you were supposed to know the problem BEFORE you started and SAVE my teeth, jerk.

A lot of Dentists will jump on the opportunity to make as much as they can off something that might be nothing, even if it means drilling to the point that you lose a tooth.  I do remember being told a few times at first they can't find the problem, but then it's "oh, I think I see something".  Don't let this happen.  Try this avoidance technique first.

Forget about all those special fad diets.  You only need to remember one simple thing: If you can't hunt it or grow it, don't eat it.  That doesn't mean you can eat everything that grows, like poison ivy, but you get the idea.  People developed over millions of years this way.  We became supposedly "intelligent" this way.  All that processing of today's foods just strips out the nutrients and sometimes they add back artificial "vitamins" that our bodies can't absorb as well, and they add in all sorts of preservatives and chemicals that are supposedly "safe", but seriously, we didn't evolve on chemicals. 

This means trying to eliminate everything not natural, even pasta.  Bleaching agents, oxidizing agents, colorings, preservatives and other chemicals are used in today's processing of almost all flours which means it is in bread, pasta, pizza, wheat cereals, whole grain crackers etc.  Know this is what you are consuming, and it's not good for you.  If you really and truly can't live without bread, try milling your own flour (you can do this, search "table top grain mill") and use fresh grains (preferably organic).

I was eating only natural foods with no breads/pasta/etc. for a while back when I could and never felt better, nor did it feel necessary to eat as often.  Just remember to balance vegs with meats and fish, etc.  Balance is important.  It won't be beneficial if all you eat is fruit. 

This one is another reason I really really wish to be fully functioning and working again - to eat better, healthier and feel better.  Sigh.

Note: as horrible as doctor's are and tend to not care about their patients, well the one's I've had anyway, they can be useful sometimes.  If you are going to change your diet, let them do a full exam and blood tests.  You can get a copy of the results and look online to confirm what they tell you is normal.  After 4 weeks (it takes 3-4 weeks for you metabolism, etc. to fully change to the new food lifestyle), but go back and get another set of blood tests.  The results are sometimes pretty interesting.  Back when I did it, I just told my doctor I was changing meal plans and wanted to be sure no damage was being done.  A month later, the blood test results were much better.

Keep in mind one more thing: a CBC (complete blood count) is not really complete.  It is only a guide and does not cover everything, like B-12 (this is a "special" test).  And hey, guess what?  All these years no one ever checked, and I've just found out I do have a significant B-12 deficiency - oh, and the docs aren't following up even because it was found by someone else.  Yep, doctor's really listen and care, don't they?

Again, I'm only finding most of this out recently - "too little, too late" for me.

Everyone talks about core muscles, aerobics, etc.  If you want to avoid back problems and some knee and feet issues, you have to stretch a lot and tend to the muscles we don't usually pay attention to.  Everyone keeps talking about working abs, working abs, working abs, but we do have muscles in the back, and in the back of the legs, and we don't typically work these muscles as much from day to day.  Therefore, they get weak, and we get problems.

If you already have aches, try to get in to see a GOOD physical therapist to show you the right ways to do these.

There is more to say on this too, but hopefully this is enough to get you to avoid some of my problems.

Oh, here's one more for today:
I've only recently found this out, after the 3rd surgery (that could have been prevented!).  No surgery is 100% going to work.  There are more things to consider than just the known hazards, such as anesthesia, etc.  No matter where they cut or what type of surgery they are doing, there will be scar tissue - and I don't just mean those neat little scars guys like to show off on their skin.  I mean inside your body, in the tissue, underneath the skin.  The doctor's DON'T tell you this part.

With the formation of internal scar tissue, it could cause complications, new pain, or simply the old pain will not go away.  My doctor's told me that 100% I would be better after the surgeries,  never told me of this risk - they simply lied!

Ok, now I'm done for today.  It's just hard to stay focused anymore when there's no way left to pay rent or be genuinely useful anymore (yes, I've sought work-from-home, but everything I've found was a costly scam - beware of those too, as an additional note).


If you ever really read the info on your medicine, you will see this a lot: "The exact mechanism of action for [medication] is unknown.  Current research appears to indicate that {drug} may [help your symptoms]......."

Also, think about this: the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety (just saw the commercials so this comes to mind first), and other medications actually have a high probability of CAUSING the issue they are supposed to heal, likely because they don't know HOW it works.

THIS is what doctor's are prescribing, pills which no one knows HOW they work, and cause exactly what they are supposed to fix.  Seriously.  And this is only two of the known problems with today's medications that they don't usually tell us.  No wonder they've given me so many more problems.  Making things worse, they don't seem to listen when told things are getting worse, just keep adding more, which is really bad when pain meds are involved.  Why couldn't they just fix the problems instead of masking them?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

4 For Whatever It's Worth - Cont'd - Part IV

Note: It occurs to me to start each related post by saying that before all this started, I was reasonably active and clearly never knew the meaning of the words "can't" or "don't". 

I Miss My Old Life - A LOT

I really really miss my old life.  It wasn't bad.  After years of hard work, I had another good job, running an office at a major company.  The apartment wasn't bad either, overlooking a golf course, even had a fireplace.  Never worried about paying bills, that was always done on time if not early.  Never worried about being able to maintain the car, was in fact even saving for a brand new one.  Decent bed to sleep in.  Real food to eat.  Cared for my pets.  Even went out from time to time.  A real life, and still I could manage to put a couple of dollars in the bank too.

But I didn't have a medical degree.  No training to know any better when the doctors gave bad advice.  No warnings about the true side effects of over-medicating, even seemingly harmless antibiotics or ibuprofen.  No true warnings about the side effects of the damaging sedative.  No knowledge how harmful the combination's of medicines and bed-rest I was being given actually were.  No idea I should have been doing the opposite of what the doctors told me to do.

I thought doctor's were supposed to heal people, not make them worse.  But nobody is watching them too closely.  Unqualified docs are treating people they shouldn't, or they just don't care about making anybody better - just making money.

Without medical training, I trusted the doctor's to make me better, so I listened to them.  The medicine's were supposed to help me.  They made me worse.  The constant bed rest was supposed to help me, but they kept telling me No activity at all whatsoever.  It made things worse too.  Then they stopped listening because someone my age shouldn't have so many problems, so the pain must all be in my head.  Several doctors actually said that to me, in spite of the fact that a recent MRI verified it was not - and I still can't get the right doc to help me.

It's really hopeless. Only in my 30's and so much pain every single day for 9 years now.  I've met people in their 90's in better health than me, and yes, they have said they usually avoid the doctors, laughingly say they don't listen to the docs half the time, they eat right and get some activity.  I used to do that, and now all this mess started with just one injury and believing the docs were there to help and to heal.  What an idiot I must be for believing that.

Take care of yourselves.  It only takes one time, one injury not to be cared for properly to start the nightmare and ruin you for life.  Please, don't end up a waste of space anymore like me.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

3 For Whatever It's Worth - Cont'd - Part III

Note: It occurs to me to start each related post by saying that before all this started, I was reasonably active and clearly never knew the meaning of the words "can't" or "don't". 
Harmless Medications - My A$$

I've only recently found out that Ibuprofen, for one, is not as safe as it would seem. From what I have read, apparently it restricts blood flow which actually reduces the body's ability to heal itself.

My doctor's have had me on high doses of Ibuprofen for years, 600-800mg several times per day. Many of the other side effects I have read about have been experienced, but the doctors only dismissed it as something else, implying I was seeking narcotics that's why I was blaming the medicine. Ironically, all I wanted was for them to diagnose and heal so I could stop taking medicines for good, that was ALL I EVER WANTED.

Aside from the fact my body has never healed, it became more prone to new injuries. When taking the medicine on a regular basis, one thing I noticed was that the skin would bruise very easily too. Someone could just grab my arm and I would have fingermarks the next day. It was crazy. And that was in addition to the other symptoms that were dismissed, such as cuts not healing properly, dizziness, etc. A single cut would take approximately 5 times as long to heal while on high doses of ibuprofen, plus it would leave discoloration for approximately another six to eight months. If I had the same cut while NOT on the medicine, it would be completely gone, no skin discoloration or anything, within just a couple of weeks. And the doctor's still don't listen to me when I try to tell them.

Other things I have recently discovered that seemed noteworthy include the fact that several antibiotics are known to induce tendonitis, which was the primary initial diagnosis. For years, doctors had been over prescribing antibiotics to me that I only now know to be harmful and damaging to the body. Additionally, I had even asked a couple of doctors to do the tests in order to determine whether the symptoms occurring were from allergies or infection or virus; they would not even do a simple blood test, only prescribed antibiotics, and then more when those didn't work. One doctor even remarked he wouldn't do them because doing the tests was the "lazy way" to practice medicine. What does that even mean?

Who even knows if those initial tendon issues progressed to develop tears due to inadequate care and overprescribing harmful medications, such as ibuprofen, etc.? I can't even remember all the pills I was prescribed. But dang it, no one ever listened and did any proper testing - they NEVER did, no matter how much I begged for true healing so I could stop taking meds.

I never had a chance, and I'm so incredibly tired of trying and losing. I still haven't even scratched the surface yet of ALL the issues and events. Sigh... after 9 years, I get it now - there's no hope for me..