Wednesday, September 23, 2009

10-for what it's worth (contd) part X

Well, there's not much left to say i guess. In only about another week and a half, it'll all be gone.

What a lousy waste

Please be really careful.. don't let things get like this for you.. that's why i put these up.. i know there won't be anything good for me anymore, but maybe something from my crap will help someone else.. sorry it couldn't have been worded better or been more complete.. it's just been too long, i'm worn out and have nothing left anymore.. sorry..

Saturday, September 12, 2009

9 - For What It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part IX

Just a heads up, it's a kicking myself kinda day... and yes, still kicking those docs for failure to treat too..

I'm almost done with the posting I think.  It's only a couple of weeks until I have to vacate.  Still can't maintain the car.  The pain issues are still very intense, still can't even take a walk around the block so forget about getting everything into storage.  Even that yet undiagnosed mass continues to ache, wish I had good docs to get the biopsy for that and the cysts.  Still have no help.  I had another storage unit in another state, and would have easily sold those belongings, except my birth certificate and other legal documents are still there and I don't know anyone to go through and pull that stuff out for me, and can't get there to do it myself - but then, I used to foolishly think things would get better soon, and I could go back and resume life.  Aren't I an idiot? 

So this time, when I vacate, I will need to abandon everything - even the car, even my identity in those boxes.  Tried selling what I could, but the online pay service froze my account without reason for 6 months - and yes, I mean seriously they had NO good reason.  Apparently there are a LOT of similar complaints against them. 

Yes, I know these are strong words to say, but I hate those doctors so much.  I hate them for not taking care of me when I trusted them with my health, hate them for making me worse and ruining me.  I hate them for not listening to me about serious complaints.  And I hate the lawyers for blowing me off for cases that really hurt me deeply.  But worse, I hate myself for trusting them and believing that they would help me, hate myself for thinking I could make things better in spite of them, hate myself for not getting it the first thousand times of failing with every effort to get my life back that it wasn't going to happen and like an a$$ to keep trying anyway, and really really hate myself for not giving away my cat when she got sick to someone who could better afford her expensive cancer treatments - That was a stupid and horrible thing to do.

Maybe it's all for the best.  I mean, it was easy to develop reasonably good business skills, but being unable to sit or stand for periods of time because of serious pain means no more work, and still can't find any "real" work from home.  My social skills have become more and more non-existent it seems, and if so, it's from all this isolation.  When you can't even pay rent, you stop going out.  And I'm not kidding when I say I really stopped going out 9 years ago when this started just to conserve money (if only our gov't could budget like that, huh?).  Big sacrifice, lost the friends I had left, but had to be done.

So in a few weeks, I'll be vacated, no where to go, no transportation, no friends, no more pet, my identity will be sold with the other stuff in storage, and I have nothing useful to offer anymore.  With so many years of hearing "can't do this", "can't do that", I am SO incredibly tired of "CAN'T" and never hearing "can" anymore, there's no point to all this suffering..

Every morning, I wake up so incredibly overwhelmed with pain, and so overwhelmed with the thoughts of all the things I "CAN'T" do, it hits hard in a huge painful rush, and not one single thought of what i can do.  It is so overwhelming it physically hurts, and my hands just ball up and clench from the stress, the heart is already palpitating bad and many times there are sharp pains with it - this is how I wake up every morning if I had any sleep at all, and if so it was full of nightmares everytime.. it's not worth it anymore..

It's not life anymore.. it's not surviving.. it's just pain and suffering...

I'm just too tired of it anymore.. What did i do that was so wrong?

Monday, September 7, 2009

8 For What It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part VIII

I'm gonna say this once more: I really really miss my old life.  It wasn't bad.  After years of hard work, I had another good job, running an office at a major company.  The apartment wasn't bad either, overlooking a golf course, even had a fireplace.  Never worried about paying bills, that was always done on time if not early.  Never worried about being able to maintain the car, was in fact even saving for a brand new one.  Decent bed to sleep in.  Real food to eat.  Cared for my pets.  Even went out from time to time.  A real life, and still I could manage to put a couple of dollars in the bank too.

 So how did I go from fiercely independent to being the most useless person in the world?

Yep, I already told you.  So why does this question come up now?  You guess it; not that I can or do get to really go anywhere anymore, but after almost 2 weeks of being completely stranded with no transportation, sitting in a stupid bug infested box called a studio, no real food, pains too bad to even take a walk down the block, additionally doubled over morning and night from stress, unable to get to physical therapy, or to get funds so I can pay rent, or get those harmful but now necessary pain medications, and still failing all attempts to find any gainful employment, I am completely over the edge.

What makes it worse is having taken a couple of home office tests in my further attempts to increase chances of home-based employment.  Yes, I passed, but the scores should have really been higher and they should have been completed significantly faster.  That's what I hate most about the inability to work properly - the absolute uselessness, and the fading of whatever talents I may have had (yep, that means I'm just wasting away and getting dumb).

And how did I get here?  One simple, stupid little injury 9 years ago.  That's all it took to ruin my life.  One stinkin, stupid, crappy, seemingly insignificant little injury followed by really stupid, uncaring, quackified, crappy medical "care" over and over and over.

That's all it took.

This isn't life.  It's not even survival anymore.  It's just really painful suffering.  And it isn't worth it.