Monday, September 7, 2009

8 For What It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part VIII

I'm gonna say this once more: I really really miss my old life.  It wasn't bad.  After years of hard work, I had another good job, running an office at a major company.  The apartment wasn't bad either, overlooking a golf course, even had a fireplace.  Never worried about paying bills, that was always done on time if not early.  Never worried about being able to maintain the car, was in fact even saving for a brand new one.  Decent bed to sleep in.  Real food to eat.  Cared for my pets.  Even went out from time to time.  A real life, and still I could manage to put a couple of dollars in the bank too.

 So how did I go from fiercely independent to being the most useless person in the world?

Yep, I already told you.  So why does this question come up now?  You guess it; not that I can or do get to really go anywhere anymore, but after almost 2 weeks of being completely stranded with no transportation, sitting in a stupid bug infested box called a studio, no real food, pains too bad to even take a walk down the block, additionally doubled over morning and night from stress, unable to get to physical therapy, or to get funds so I can pay rent, or get those harmful but now necessary pain medications, and still failing all attempts to find any gainful employment, I am completely over the edge.

What makes it worse is having taken a couple of home office tests in my further attempts to increase chances of home-based employment.  Yes, I passed, but the scores should have really been higher and they should have been completed significantly faster.  That's what I hate most about the inability to work properly - the absolute uselessness, and the fading of whatever talents I may have had (yep, that means I'm just wasting away and getting dumb).

And how did I get here?  One simple, stupid little injury 9 years ago.  That's all it took to ruin my life.  One stinkin, stupid, crappy, seemingly insignificant little injury followed by really stupid, uncaring, quackified, crappy medical "care" over and over and over.

That's all it took.

This isn't life.  It's not even survival anymore.  It's just really painful suffering.  And it isn't worth it.

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