Saturday, September 12, 2009

9 - For What It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part IX

Just a heads up, it's a kicking myself kinda day... and yes, still kicking those docs for failure to treat too..

I'm almost done with the posting I think.  It's only a couple of weeks until I have to vacate.  Still can't maintain the car.  The pain issues are still very intense, still can't even take a walk around the block so forget about getting everything into storage.  Even that yet undiagnosed mass continues to ache, wish I had good docs to get the biopsy for that and the cysts.  Still have no help.  I had another storage unit in another state, and would have easily sold those belongings, except my birth certificate and other legal documents are still there and I don't know anyone to go through and pull that stuff out for me, and can't get there to do it myself - but then, I used to foolishly think things would get better soon, and I could go back and resume life.  Aren't I an idiot? 

So this time, when I vacate, I will need to abandon everything - even the car, even my identity in those boxes.  Tried selling what I could, but the online pay service froze my account without reason for 6 months - and yes, I mean seriously they had NO good reason.  Apparently there are a LOT of similar complaints against them. 

Yes, I know these are strong words to say, but I hate those doctors so much.  I hate them for not taking care of me when I trusted them with my health, hate them for making me worse and ruining me.  I hate them for not listening to me about serious complaints.  And I hate the lawyers for blowing me off for cases that really hurt me deeply.  But worse, I hate myself for trusting them and believing that they would help me, hate myself for thinking I could make things better in spite of them, hate myself for not getting it the first thousand times of failing with every effort to get my life back that it wasn't going to happen and like an a$$ to keep trying anyway, and really really hate myself for not giving away my cat when she got sick to someone who could better afford her expensive cancer treatments - That was a stupid and horrible thing to do.

Maybe it's all for the best.  I mean, it was easy to develop reasonably good business skills, but being unable to sit or stand for periods of time because of serious pain means no more work, and still can't find any "real" work from home.  My social skills have become more and more non-existent it seems, and if so, it's from all this isolation.  When you can't even pay rent, you stop going out.  And I'm not kidding when I say I really stopped going out 9 years ago when this started just to conserve money (if only our gov't could budget like that, huh?).  Big sacrifice, lost the friends I had left, but had to be done.

So in a few weeks, I'll be vacated, no where to go, no transportation, no friends, no more pet, my identity will be sold with the other stuff in storage, and I have nothing useful to offer anymore.  With so many years of hearing "can't do this", "can't do that", I am SO incredibly tired of "CAN'T" and never hearing "can" anymore, there's no point to all this suffering..

Every morning, I wake up so incredibly overwhelmed with pain, and so overwhelmed with the thoughts of all the things I "CAN'T" do, it hits hard in a huge painful rush, and not one single thought of what i can do.  It is so overwhelming it physically hurts, and my hands just ball up and clench from the stress, the heart is already palpitating bad and many times there are sharp pains with it - this is how I wake up every morning if I had any sleep at all, and if so it was full of nightmares everytime.. it's not worth it anymore..

It's not life anymore.. it's not surviving.. it's just pain and suffering...

I'm just too tired of it anymore.. What did i do that was so wrong?

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