Friday, August 28, 2009

6 For Whatever It's Worth (Cont'd) - Part VI

There's not a whole lot today to offer today.  If you would like a couple of pointers to avoid ending up like me, see yesterday's post.

There are some who say I just like feeling sorry for myself.  To that, I will respond with the following that NOBODY should have to endure this kind of junk.  I am not going to start with "you try this", but instead will advise to do everything you can to avoid this.

- 9 years of pain. 
- Inability to even walk properly.
- Completely alone, no support whatsoever - no kidding, no exaggeration.
- Undiagnosed mass that causes some pain, and Undiagnosed cysts.
- More painful issues developing all the time.
- Not a single good night's sleep for Years.
- Doctor's that won't listen, just making this worse.
- Increasingly worse palpitations (now seem to be coming from a possibly 2nd defective valve too) .
- People that don't care.*
- "Leaders" that don't care.**
- Every attempt to improve pain and quality of life, fails.
- Every attempt to find gainful employment within new limitations, fails (including attempts at self-employment fail).
- Being robbed with no recourse.
- Being hurt with no recourse.
- Incredibly unbearable increases of "internal pain".
- Loss of ability to do anything enjoyable, even a walk in the park.
- Loss of companionship, including pets.
- Loss of happiness, even contentment.
- Loss of transportation, housing, food (happening now).
- Loss of dignity.
- Loss of usefulness.
- Loss of identity.
- Loss of will.
(I know a number of things are missing; they will be edited in later as they come to mind)

*A short comment about the support, I'll just say relatives were really not good people, and when you stop going out to save every penny you can, "friends" will leave, particularly when things are so negative for so long.

**A short comment about "Leaders that don't care"; I had even tried going as high as a Senator's office to find out if there was anything else that might be available to assist my efforts, and because of moving in past years was told "maybe you should go back to where you came from".  I'm not kidding.

I'm going to add a quote from a previous post:

"I really, really miss my old life.  It wasn't bad.  I had a good job, running an office at a major company.  The apartment wasn't bad either, overlooking a golf course, even had a fireplace.  Never worried about paying bills, that was always done on time if not early.  Never worried about being able to maintain the car, was in fact even saving for a brand new one.  Decent bed to sleep in.  Real food to eat.  Cared for my pets.  Even went out from time to time.  A real life, and still I could manage to put a couple of dollars in the bank too.

But I didn't have a medical degree... And I thought doctors were supposed to heal people, not make them worse."

There is also one event from today to add, simply because this wouldn't be happening if the doctor's had healed me as they were supposed to, and I'd be working and self-sufficient if they had - and happy, or at least content.  On top of everything else, on my way back today, the steering on the car went.  Of course, the brakes are already gone; I've been using the hand brake for stopping.  The engine is giving out too, in addition to other things.  It's not like I can even afford gas anymore anyway, but it seems pretty irrelevant now, I think I'm just done anymore.

It hasn't been mentioned yet, but I haven't even touched on the things endured and survived before all this junk started 9 years ago.  The thought was there to write a book someday with the hopes of inspiring others not to give up.  The only thing that held me back was I hadn't quite reached the "happy ending", that level of fullness worth aspiring to.  Things were pretty good, but I wanted to improve on somethings first.

But as has been happening more and more often lately, it really hit me hard today when the steering went, and when the pain issues became overwhelming again (or rather again/still) the simple reality of things - there's not going to be a happy ending.

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