Friday, August 21, 2009

1 For Whatever It's Worth

Note: It occurs to me to start each related post by saying that before all this started, I was reasonably active and clearly never knew the meaning of the words "can't" or "don't".

I thought I would write a few things while I’m still here.

This post applies mostly to issues with doctors and partially to Lawyers, though I may digress a little today.

Every day I feel worse and worse, the only tragedy being that no one seems to care. The doctors don’t listen, they’re not healers anymore. Lawyers don’t seem to care, they just want a clean and easy sweep in real life. Politicians just want the sick, frail and poor to die so they won’t have to deal anymore or even look at any of them – and they need more space for their yachts.

If you have doubts about my claims, and this entry is only just a scratch on the surface, just google the words Medical Corruption and see how many hits you get. Read some. It will be interesting. When I did the search, there were almost 3 times as many hits compared to the words Legal Corruption, so why isn’t anything being done?

Anyway, for almost 9 years I’ve been trying to get proper healthcare for what started as a simple injury. Over that time, uncaring doctors have managed to ensure an early demise for me, or a useless life confined to bed and insanity. I’m only in my 30’s, and will likely have a heart attack in the next few weeks now, but hopefully a more peaceful end will be found before that.

The doctors don’t care anymore. They would rather see a patient confined and useless because that is how they maintain their clients. If they heal their clients, they won’t make money anymore. Plus, most health professionals have investments in the pharmaceutical companies, so they will continue to prescribe as much as they can get away with. These are facts.

Obviously some things in this post will have to change to conceal identity, but the main facts remain true.

Almost 9 years ago, I had a injury to my tendons that kept me from walking for a time. The doctors kept prescribing medications and bed rest. Extremely poor doctoring kept me in bed and on medications to mask the symptoms instead of trying to heal me. I got worse, put on excessive weight very quickly, developed more issues, and old problems I had under control started getting worse again too. Every time I asked for help, they just kept telling me I was being to active, stay in bed – even though that was all I was doing and it was not healing.

Soon, I started trying to get help for the back pains. Doctors just took x-rays, told me they didn’t see anything and I was young, so the pain must be all in my head. Recently, I finally got an an MRI – 5 herniated discs with tears spread throughout, and the complete back was not looked at so there may be more. This has been untreated for many years because doctors kept telling me it was all in my head. Sure many people have this, but most get diagnosed and treated quickly enough.

I tried neurologists for chronic severe headaches. One of them, after I said I didn’t know my family history, told me to go make amends with them and my headaches will go away – he knew nothing else, I only told him I didn’t know the family medical history. He didn’t know if they were alive or dead or if I was adopted or if they were murderers or anything. The second neurologist told me on a follow-up visit, “I will keep filling your meds, but you have to come back more often for these follow ups because we need to make our money too”. What the heck was that, they weren’t even narcotics or anything people might usually sell? No wonder there are so many people addicted to prescription drugs.

I had found a mass. Preliminary tests indicate it might not be anything, but I’m supposed to get a biopsy. I’ve also had a couple of cists show up in the past couple of years, but they are ignoring those. So why should I get a biopsy if they’re not going to listen anyway? The docs I can afford are just triage docs. They can’t help me anyway, and I don’t know how to find really good doctors. My medical coverage is supposed to be good, but only if you have money to afford the co-pays, which I can’t. So why bother? This was about 2 years ago, and I still haven’t found the right doc to do the biopsies.

I had knee surgery a while ago. I begged the doctor twice before the surgery for a good support for my other knee because it was hurting and I knew the extra stress was making it worse. Well, he didn’t think it was bad enough, and decided to wait until after the surgery to address it. So, only two months later, it sounded like wrinkled paper every time I sit, and it hurts, and now it might need surgery too because they wouldn’t listen to me and try to help prevent this. They don’t Ever Listen!! And I just keep suffering!!

Here’s the funny part about this surgery. I wasn’t afraid they would mess up and I would die, in fact was kind of hoping for an anesthesia overdose by this time. What really scared me was that they might mess up and leave me with even more pain, as if I weren’t suffering enough. Oh, and it was done in an outpatient surgery facility, so when I woke up in the “procedure room”/o.r. in so much pain I started screaming, they told me I had to shut up and be quiet so I wouldn’t scare the other patients, and that if I stay quiet they would not be able to get me to the recovery room to give me medicine for the pain. Great bedside manner, thank you.

So the knee hasn’t healed right. Still unable to work and with extremely poor benefits, I can’t even afford the gas to get to physical therapy as much as I should, and the car is falling apart so the stress of wondering whether I’ll be stranded on the road is a driving preventer too. The lack of proper nutrition isn’t helping either.

Here’s a LAWYER part: A big part of the bad diet is from a few months ago, I found a foreign item in a water ice, it looked like a piece of a person sliced off by the machine, like raw chicken with a blood red vein in it. I have no idea what I ate, have nightmares every day, am severely traumatized by the idea that I am now a cannibal, and can NOT eat a lot of what my body needs to heal. Seriously, try to picture in real life taking a bite from your fries only to find out you’ve had a piece of finger? And that is not an exaggeration of what it was like. But a couple of the lawyers I’ve tried calling laughed thinking it was a joke, and most just say I should try someone else. This also might be why I hurt my knee, the severe lack of sleep made me so tired, I can’t really remember how I tore my knee. But apparently, it doesn’t matter, and it’s ok to be force fed human body parts, and all the extra PTSD that adds, and there’s nothing I can do about it, even having the leftovers still in the freezer for evidence – no one cares, and no one will even look. So I guess it’s ok for corporate to keep hurting people.

Here’s another LAWYER part, and Doctors: I’ve only recently found out that some of the meds I’ve been prescribed have been harmful. One of the most destructive prescriptions has been the Ambien. I’ve been on that medication for more than 9 years with no information about the real side effects, and I’ve experienced many of the worst. When trying to address some of the symptoms in the past with the doctors, not knowing they were related to the medication, they were just dismissed as “normal” behavior, forgetfulness, depression, etc. Words can’t describe life before this medication and after. Additionally, the overuse of certain antibiotics may have contributed to the initial tendon issues. Again, I’ve tried contacting several lawyers who won’t pursue this either.

All of the combined has contributed to rapidly deteriorating health, physical, mental and emotional. I can’t meet my financial needs anymore. It may be difficult to understand, but before all of this, I was a fighter, a strong person who could meet any challenge put forth and conquered so much just to survive.
But I can’t do it anymore. My heart is physically aching everyday now, sharp pains. The palpitations get worse each week. The pains overall from various issues keep me from doing so much, and having screamed for help for almost 9 years with no results has left me too tired to fight anymore; after so many years of only having the words “don’t” and “can’t” with nothing positive to offset that at all, What is the point anymore?

I have even budgeted so tightly I honestly never go out socially at all and I’m not kidding, that’s why I have no friends left anymore. I’ve had to move 6 times in one year because of bad housing issues. I went from rodents, to bugs, to bugs and dogs.

Another LAWYER issue: Recently, at a legal apartment, I was going to be leaving because of alcoholic neighbors, but had not set a date yet. The landlord changed the locks and kept the stuff I still had in there including a new bed. Legal Aide told me to call the police. I called 911 and they said sorry, it’s your word against his and his broker will support his story so there’s nothing you can do, he’ll just say you were gone, go call a lawyer. They didn’t even give me a police report. So it’s illegal for him to do that, but I can’t prove it, so he can get away with it and I never got my stuff back.

You know, there is one other thing I want to mention today. Recently, being so depressed from the drugs and insomnia and pain and being ignored by the doctors, etc., I had called a county “hotline” because I was so distressed. You hear jokes about these places putting you on hold, but what really happened was close to it. Granted there were so many more issues causing me grief than what is mentioned, but in spite of the fact I was crying so much and hurting so badly, they said “Well, I can give you a number to call for the abuse you THINK you suffered”. So many similar responses have come my way, what’s the point in trying anymore.

If the doctors had listened to me 8 years ago, and had treated me properly and worked to heal me instead of masking the symptoms, had not over medicated and prescribed drugs that would add so much more misery, but so much pain could have been avoided. I could be working. I could be useful. I wouldn’t be so incredibly depressed. Before all this started, I never needed a hospital, let alone any kind of surgery, and now I’ve had three procedures and will need more. These surgeries could have been prevented. People wouldn’t be taking advantage and hurting me so much. So much of this could have been avoided. And it makes things worse that they won’t listen and just simply keep diagnosing a chemical imbalance for depression in spite of the fact that all they have to do is fix my pains and get me off the Ambien and other useless meds so I can get my life back, because I was NOT like this before. It hurts so, so very much to even think about it anymore.

Thank you Doctors for making me useless and suffering, for cutting me open and taking parts from me that never should have needed to come out, and for getting wealthy on destroying me. Thank you Lawyers for not listening and defending when needed. Thank you to the manufacturers of Ambien and all those other drugs for being over prescribed and destroying my body, and to the lawmakers who allow this to happen and allow doctors to make money from this. Thank you politicians for allowing these disastrous actions to happen free of lawsuits. I no longer have life, nor what can be called survival, but am reduced to just suffering, but hopefully not for too much longer.


  1. Hi. First, let me say how very sorry I am that you have been in such terrible pain for so long. I have read most of this entry (and plan to return to read it all); I'm saddened by your treatment, and feel I can empathize to an extent. I have recently been diagnosed with Chronic Lyme disease--have you ever been tested for that? Like you, I had a severe injury to my head/neck; when my constant headpain started years ago, the assumption was that this was the originating event. I have a long story of pain, partial remedy, then utter despair now. Some of it, I have outlined here: You would be amazed at the debillitating impact Lyme has on your central nervous system and your heart. I've even read a case study about a chest mass growing from the bacteria drilling into your tissue. I encourage you to check it out. There is an excellent documentary showing in select places called "Under Our Skin". The ILADS website is also a great place to start. If you're interested in learning more, please let me know. Regardless of what you decide, I'll be praying that you find answers, relief, and your life again.

  2. Thanks very much, Natalie... Sorry you have had to suffer too... Wish I knew what was wrong with the world today that doctor's can't take their patients more seriously... Granted some tests are not too cheap, but seriously, if they don't know and aren't helping, then stop giving stupid medications that just cause more destruction and help them find someone who will help them... I mean, dang, it's rare for me to even get out of bed anymore cause there's just no point... well, I will have to shortly due to eviction... but enough about this... sorry for rambling, just way too much anymore.. years of trying improve and just getting worse, I've had enough..

    I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you too and hope that you'll feel better and receive much better care...